I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
