I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
