My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
