I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
