oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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