OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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