turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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