Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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