Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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