idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
