I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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