here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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