Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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