He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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