perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
