Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
