I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
