I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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