My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
