Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So I just went to clothing optional bar
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
