whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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