This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
