i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
