ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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