i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
