I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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