I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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