Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
