Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
