I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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