Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There's a naked man in my car right now.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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