God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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