When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
