Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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