my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
