There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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