You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize