So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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