The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
