so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
