i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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