Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
