Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
