Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
