I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize