I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's rum buckets o'clock
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
