my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
