This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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