Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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