i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
