I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
