woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
