I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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