He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
