hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
