Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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