so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
